Got the Test Results back today

and Momma's alkaline phosphatase is almost 400. Meaning that more than likely the cancer has spread and has attacked her liver now.

We are going to do a bone scan and a KUB on August 2nd just to see how advanced it is, and if there is anything we can do. I do not want any more invasive procedures done on Mom, and she wouldn't want it done either.

When I came home tonight from work, I checked Mom's blood sugar and she was 48 (normal is 70-110). I thought there was something wrong with the machine, so I checked it again. It was 47. So I thought, "Surely not." and checked her other hand. 45. I gave her some milk via her G-tube and within 30 minutes, she was into the 70's.  She was still alert and talking to me with her blood sugar that low! How in heaven's name could that be? Especially when just within the last couple of months, she would drop to the 70's and begin to sweat and be incoherent and, well, it was just so obvious! And tonight.... is this how it's going to be? Is Mom going to just fade away some night and not warn anyone? (That would rather be like her... to not want anyone to worry )

I called my brother and assured him that we would get him here no matter what (he lives in Georgia and just went through a bad spell... losing his job and home and then losing the "woman" he had put his trust and heart into for so long...). Now he's finally getting back on his feet, but has no savings as of yet.

I talked to the girls tonight about their Grandma's situation. They both became teary eyed, but they had to know. I didn't want them to wake up one day and have to find out Grandma had passed during the night. That just wouldn't be fair. I want them to cherish what time they have left with their Gram and remember her laughter and fun and love of animals and flowers.... I want them to remember her playing games and talk to her (even though she cannot be understood when she talks back). I want them to snuggle against her while Grandma is napping or even watching TV. (All the things I want to do too...)

I know her memory will live on forever and her body is just tired and old, but the person that my Momma is, will always be. Her love of life and of yardwork and quilting and her sense of humor and love of her family will always live on in all of us. Her body will be gone, but my Momma won't be.

I'm not ready. I'm 44 years old, and I'm scared to be without my Mom. But I have to be strong for her.

Lord Jesus, please help me be strong for my Momma and help me to care for her the way that You would want me to.